Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
