Yo dont text me then not text me
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
