I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
