Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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