I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize