i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
