Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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