I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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