kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
