i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
