I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
