everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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