I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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