if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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