We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
