Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
