dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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