paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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