I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
