drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
