she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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