Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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