Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
