I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
