Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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