Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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