1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
