I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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