I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
