I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
