I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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