I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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