soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
