I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
