Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
