Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
