Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize