why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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