i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
