oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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