My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
