Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
