he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
