OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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