A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize