Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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