Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
