And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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