i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
