Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Hippo gnu deer
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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