The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Randomize
