so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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