While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
