We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
its liver damage thursday
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
