I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
