i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
