The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
