she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
