May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
